The nuance of communication between birth order - for parents.
I read an amazing book this week called, “Have a Happy Family by Friday: How to improve Communication, Respect and Teamwork in 5 days” by the popular American psychologist Dr. Kevin Leman (full reference below). It’s on how to maintain communication and respect inside a family. This book is specially for parents. It had a know-how on balancing communication between first born, middle born, last born and only born and it was very interesting.
Family dynamics and Human growth and development were my favourite subjects in college and I’ve developed a great sense of involvement in these areas ever since.
The way we talk to our children matters. The way children speak to parents matters. All those things that we ignore as unimportant becomes like a snowball effect, creating rift between generations. Understanding the minds of children, smiling at them and playing with them brings about a positive attitude in their behaviour which they can proudly pass on to their children.
Dr. Leman beautifully explains on how to communicate with children. He says that parents should acknowledge their children’s differences, understand that they’re not the same and each have their own points of view about things. The elder child is not like the middle, the middle one is not like the youngest. Holding the elder or the only child accountable for everything and letting loose the youngest is unfair.
My good friend Nusrat says, “I am the youngest of all my siblings. Though I don't remember my childhood fully, my mom and siblings have been telling me that i have always been in the good book of my parents and other relatives. In their words "everyone adored me".
In case of responsibilities, as far as I can remember, I have never been burdened with any fixed chore by any of my parents, be it household or be it anything outside the house. I only had to focus on my studies and self care.”
Roshan, another good friend of mine says, “I’m the eldest of my siblings. I was given loads of responsibilities and was expected to take care of my younger siblings. Since I’m the oldest, I was never seen as the cub of the family. But as the only girl among my siblings, I was given some extra care by my parents too. Even in academia I was pressured to perform well, get good scores in tests and be responsible, while at the time, I guess my siblings got a hall pass.”
Some..
Ways to communicate with first-borns:
1. Tell them that they’re loved.
2. Don’t compare them with their siblings.
3. Don’t be obsessed in finding faults in them.
Ways to communicate with middle-borns:
1. Listen to what they have to say.
2. Join with them in their daily chores - don’t let them feel left out.
3. Appreciate their success and cheer them during failures.
Ways to communicate with last-borns:
1. Give them small responsibilities
2. Hold them accountable for their mistakes
3. Again, don’t compare them to their elder siblings.
Ways to communicate with only child:
1. Allow them to express their emotions and talents.
2. Don’t over analyse their actions
3. Hold them accountable when needed.
Likewise, children especially teens and adolescents should be taught to treat their parents with respect. My teen years were normal just like any other period of my life, very unlike how they portray in movies as teens to be, bratty and carefree. Do girls like Regina George in Mean Girls that treat their parents like an option exist in real life? I don’t know.
Parenting is such a heavy task isn’t it? If you’re a parent, how do you manage? Have you been hard or soft on a specific child always? Or as a child how were you bought up by your parents? And which order of birth were you? Tell me in the comments below!
Reference:
Leman. K. Have a Happy Life by Friday: How to improve communication, respect and teamwork in 5 days. (2014). Michigan, USA. Revell. Baker publishing group. Chapter: Monday, pg. 25, 26 and 29.
**all images including cover image are from Wix
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